Utter Disappointment.

Dear All,

Thanks for reading my blogs till now. I'm not going to blog here any more in protest to google's refusal to remove the Anti-Islamic video put up on youtube, despite the White House's request. As you all must be aware, this video is a mockery of our most BELOVED PROPHET MUHAMMAD (SAWS). Astaghfirullah, how shameful! I'm highly disappointed in Google's response, I thought they knew better. As a Muslim I am quiet aware that it is the teaching of our HOLY PROPHET (SAWS) to respect others' religion. "Freedom of speech" is one thing, insulting the PROPHET (SAWS) is another. It's a crime and terrorism in the form of abuse of power. What would anyone say if their parents were insulted? Will anyone accept the "freedom of speech" factor in this context? No! There is the answer!

Hopefully I'll find a better place to blog hosted by people that don't brush off the topic, hiding behind the "freedom of speech" curtain.


Thank you all for reading

Wedding Blues..

I'm sobbing quietly......trying to hide my tears, going from room to room, trying to find a secluded place to let the river flow.....finally I find an empty room in the house where my kids or any other member of my family are not there; now I can cry in peace. I hide from them all and sob uncontrollably.....

...why am I crying? I'm unable to bear the songs that are being played out loud in the house next door. No...I don't have a phobia against music......I can't bear them because they are wedding songs. A wedding is going to take place next door, I don't know when will the  exact event happen. But it seems here, there is a tradition of playing the music on loud surround systems from days before. So since a week or two daily in the evening we can hear the songs. Yesterday, there was a " henna party".  Today the house was fitted up with decorative lights and then the precise " biddai" songs started. Biddai in English means “ the departure” which in this context  is associated with a bride’s departure to her new abode with her groom. Well, I couldn’t take it anymore, I was being brave everyday hearing the songs but today it took its toll. I was thrown back to the time when I was getting married. It all came flowing back to me and I missed him.......a looot.

I'm surprised at my own emotions being still so raw. I thought I was healing but then again its just 3 months since he passed away. I think I had closed my feelings in a mental box (which turned out fragile) and thrown it somewhere in the corner of  my mind. I had to be strong for my kids, whenever I felt a rush of emotion coming, I blocked it. People see me worrying about my kids, their health, their school, their future, I talk about everything but never of what I'm feeling about my husband, about the numbness of my heart.  I miss him. I find “ missing” him is not the right word; its not even near the feeling. I feel as if suddenly I was cut into two and the other half of my being was ripped off. The pain is inexpressible. 

The song grows louder and my pain gets greater. I can see him visiting for the first time with is family to where I lived in the GCC.  They were there as tourists as well to checkout business prospects and we were the hosts. They were not our relatives; relatives of relatives, so we were meeting for the first time. I was actually annoyed by their coming, I had to give up my room & the prospect of helping with the extra chores with Ami was totally unwelcome. I had just started my post-graduate studies & I didn’t want to get involved. “Him” I felt like strangling, because I am a shy person & his being there restricted my movement in my own house. Well, as it goes the visit turned into my getting engaged & eventually married within a year.

I'm treading on unsafe grounds,all these memories increase the yearning, but I would like to share the memory of my kid's birth.

The birth of our first little bundle of joy brought tremendous happiness to our family. Munchkin was an instant hit with both our families :D. Her dad cried with happiness! As soon as she arrived, My little girl "employed" all the adults ( her both sets of grandparents ,her parents & of course my siblings) in her service. Since I lived near my parents' house, it seemed everyone was busy with some chore of her! It felt everyone had a new toy for themselves!

A couple of years later, Allah SWT blessed us with Cocopops :D . The "employees"got further busy and every little whim of the " their little majesties"was fulfilled with top priority. It is so funny that how when your parents become grandparents, the same rules which are iron clad for the children are twisted, in fact completely broken by themselves for their grandchildren. :) 

My husband had been an only child; he had missed the joy of having a sibling. Having the kids somewhat fulfilled the void in him. Though it's painful to see that the kids won't be having their dad to see them grow up, I am glad my kids have each other. My own siblings have been giving immense support to me and my children during these tough times. I hope Munchkin and Cocopops grow up to be a great sis-and-bro team InshaALLAH. 

Thanks for reading, it is highly appreciated.

Take care ! 

Shedding some light..

I'm at a loss for words for what to write today. Having survived a spell of more than 24 hours of electricity failure, I am so dizzy - my head is spinning. That too just after two days of a 12 hour breakdown. Not that we live in a rural area, this is supposedly one of the down town areas of the city and the city itself is a business hub. But it pains me to see this is the  state of things in our beloved country; electricity is a basic necessity in this era and corruption is throwing our country backwards at a fast pace.

It has so happened that despite the so called " load- shedding" which is the norm in Pakistan, at least twice a week we find such electricity disruptions which last hours together, ironically the load shedding still pursues. I find the " shedding" part is more than the "loading". Since September is called the "Second Summer" of Pakistan, we are undergoing a heat wave and the kids are a sight to be seen. Though I've brought them up to be mostly adaptable to situations but this is something I can't even help feeling myself. Though it is a fact that summer temperatures are higher in the Middle East, air conditioners are a norm from car to offices to schools to shops & malls to homes, you name it. So though living in an Asian country, we are as unused to heat as any westerner. 

Here in pak ,we've put up an a/c but it serves only the purpose of a decoration item since the voltage is so low, and complains fall on deaf ears. The electricity failures also cause the UPS's to fail, due to their being not able to charge. A UPS is an alternate which is used during load shedding so that at least the fan is working; its full form is "Uninterrupted power supply" and here.. it is "interrupted" all the time.

Back to the kiddos' reactions, my daughter( blogname: Munchkin) is the one who suppresses her feelings while my son ( blogname : Cocopops: ) is more vocal. While answering a homework question with his Laala (my sister has arrived to keep us company for some time, while we are adjusting to our new lives), he was to tell five things he had done in his holidays. Since it was the weekend when the breakdown happened, Cocopops thought the qs. was about the weekend holidays. Well, the answer about the 5 activities: 

"1. I waited for the electricity to be restored..

2. I inquired about the electricity.

3. I cried for the electricity.

4. I prayed for the electricity.

5. I kept on crying for the electricity "! 

Then, after the laughing subsided, he was made to understand that the question was about the summer vacations' activities, again he went "During the summers I was is a UAE which a country which always has light...... =) " We had to coax him out of that " electric mode" and get a suitable answer :) . 

Getting the electricity back was bliss...... Munchkin had, after all, thought may be it will never come back again......the sound of the fan rotating was music to her ears! 

To get the kids' mind off this ordeal (they were much shaken ) and of course heat, Laala devised a trivia game of countries, questions like which is the biggest country, which is the smallest .....etc.......with Laala asking and adding to their knowledge, Cocopops  innocently asks " Laala what is Pakistan the biggest in?" . While Laala thinks, he answers himself saying excitedly, " I know, I know.....the unhappiest!" 

It was humurous and sad at the same time, how the situation here is projecting itself to be the image of Pakistan for the little ones. It breaks my heart to see the feelings in their eyes. I can vividly remember the picture, when we as kids used to visit with our parents every summer. How excited we used to be, excited to visit our cousins and pre-planning what we'll all do, when we arrive here. It was never a high-profile lifestyle here, comparing to from where we came but the environment was much better and safer than it is now. It's getting hopeless day- by- day. 

The ordeal also teaches a lesson of thankfulness. I really thank ALLAH SWT for letting me be brought up in a safe and sound place where I enjoyed the luxuries of life growing up. I pray to ALLAH SWT for the same for my kids and every kid living here. None of them should go through this. The things that are considered basic necessities in the countries like where I have lived, are a luxury here. Living here has made me realize about the things that we take for granted, never once thinking of the deprived, who yearn for even a drop of water. 

Let's all thank THE ALMIGHTY  for the blessings HE has benevolently bestowed upon us and pray for the deprived, May ALLAH make their life easier and bless them with happiness .

Thanks a lot for reading..........Hope you are blessed with health & happiness always.

Blessings in trials

Silence.......silence is what I remember......the three of us together.....me and the kids......no we were not sitting in a serene garden, far from it, we were in the midst of an airport's hubbub , the Dubai  Int'l airport. I don't know whether the kids were with me in the memory lane, but I had gone two months back when 'the four' of us-not three-were going to Pakistan to visit his parents. My brother also was traveling with us  to help through the journey. I could see my brother taking snapshots with us and me not wanting to take my hubby's pic as he was still on recovery and looked weak; not wanting to keep a painful memory. I had planned on taking his healthy pics once he recovered, not knowing that he was traveling his last, in fact breathing his last as he died within 12 hours of reaching Pakistan.

I had to return to UAE within a fortnight after his death to complete paperwork with his office. It gave me time to think, at least brought some sanity , because in Pakistan it was getting insane, swarm of people flowing through the house making me want to run away in a far off place where I could have SOME peace of mind. " Piece of mind" was what was needed to be given to these people, a person is already torn apart, absolutely clueless of what to do, leave him alone. But NO! I can understand people try to help but sometimes the method is wrong. And the questions asked about what happened, what had the doctors said....even " did you ask the doctor before coming?"  and one unknown lady asks: If he was so sick then why didn't you bring him here before?!??!!! Of course any one with common sense knows that traveling when a person is recovering is better than traveling when a person is worse. One other uncle was like: "If you would have consulted me I would have advised you not to bring him, he couldn't bear the journey"...oh okayyy......I didn't know ,though an engineer , you were a better doctor than the specialist treating my husband; a person who was the head of his dept....... Is he blaming me....... seriously?

Apparently so many questions were asked as my husband was only in his thirties, so his death was a shocker. Of course a shocker, but what about the will of the Almighty?

Well, the time I and the kids spent with my family back home in UAE , was a start to the healing process. My sister & my bhabhi ( sister-in-law) made it their duty to give the  interview of what happened to the guests themselves before they came to me to offer their condolences. Every visiting person was informed beforehand not to cry in-front of the kiddos. As they were so scared , confused (poor things thought it their fault their dad died as they used to make noise when baba was sleeping) and wary of the reactions of people in Pakistan that , a sort of protective shield was created by my siblings. The Mamoos ( my brothers) made a point of taking the kids out often and all our good family friends & my own friends invited the kids for outings frequently. Nani ( my mother) was the advisory counsel for them & of course me , having gone through the phase herself (my father died 7 yrs ago). Ami has always been my best friend and the sort of person who sense of righteousness will never let her favor her children if they are in the wrong.

Before our coming again to pak, my sister and bhabhi threw a surprise party for the kids. Things were secretly planned, not even Amma (what kiddos call me) was told; all the party stuff was smuggled in when the kids weren't around and all the guests' mommies took part excitedly. Come the event day and beautiful kids dressed even more beautifully and handsomely ( for boys :) ) started arriving with the mammas. That moment when my kids realized what was happening was a Kodak moment captured in my mind's camera, it will remain there forever. I could almost cry from gratitude to the Almighty Allah, I wasn't alone, I had the best support group right there!  My sister is a magician when planning & decorating for a party, the party mood was everywhere! The entire experience was created without any music or movies - quiet the feet I think!

    A collage capturing the essence of the "Kids' Party"

Proper age appropriate games for 8-10 years were organized like Scavenger hunt, Pinatas, Tic Tac Straw race, Barn yard, Who Am I?, are to name some.  Out came the party snacks and viola! the hungry little crowd had gobbled it up in no time :) The snacks themselves showed imagination to attract the kids. Blue and yellow colored pancake rolls, pizzas,nuggets, chocolate muffins, Ritz delights, noodles omelette along with lemonade with berry juice ice cubes were all made with love mixed in them by "Laala" (my kids 'name for my sister) and "Maami" (kids' name for my sister-in-law).

The young party guests were presented with "Glow Sticks" as tokens of appreciation; the sprouting smiles were classic :D

Though I started this post feeling low, but these memories really brightened me just as they brightened my kids.

Thanks for taking the time to read. It means a lot :)

Love yourself......love others!

180 Degrees Whopper

My life has taken a 180 degrees turn,  my husband of eleven years died this May; my world came crashing down. We have two sparkling gems; a preteen daughter and an eight year son. Now handling widowhood and being a single parent at the same time is a fusion of two different lives.  Let me give a little back ground of the life before his death. 

Well, our marriage itself was a fusion of two different worlds; me being born and brought up in the Middle East,him in Pakistan. Life threw us together and this started a journey of new realizations and adjustments. During the eleven year period, we lived in three different countries, mainly Middle east.  

His death has brought me and my children to live in Pakistan, to live with his parents ,as he was an only child and I felt it heartless to leave them alone here. Now them not wanting to leave this place for better pastures with us is another story. Hope is always there. 

Well, back to the present, kids are so confused, heart broken and well, not wanting to live here. My job : handle my own grief, handle my kids grief, make the three of us adjust to a life soooo different from what we are used to.  Plus, the added pleasure (sarcasm) of taking in every sympathetic relative's "well-meant" advice about how I should be leading my life, how the kids can best be taken care of, specially how each of their recommended school is " The Best" (I wonder if they get commission for that!).  

The irony of how my husband's uncles and aunts and cousins visiting or calling ,with full cry-outs infront of me and me , his life partner, comforting them that how Allah knows best, sometimes makes me wonder, does it look like I don't have a heart; must be so. Everyone knows the parents' grief, the kids' grief, where's the wife? I didn't mention that my husband had been sick on and off the last two years after he met with an accident. His condition got worse three months before his death, though he had started the road to recovery, the doctor being very optimistic, nobody can avoid the unavoidable; his death was a complete surprise. I mentioned this because we had gone through that trauma too before his death;me and the kids were there alone with him in a new country where we had moved just a few months back.  

Riding the emotional roller coaster, you are rubbed in by the frequent mention of the fact how such a huge responsibility has come upon your shoulders,bringing up the kids alone and all, hellloooo........I know that, they are my kids, I'll of course bear their responsibility.....wow. Then again,occasionally I'm told to take exceptional care of my son because being the son he is supposed to be the image of his father. The question is what crime has my daughter done? Why not the same advice with reference to her? I thought daughters were more the mirrors of their dads;at least I am. Why the discrimination? Both the kids are our jewels, May Allah always bless them. 

Another surprising fact (the list is never-ending) is it seems I'm not supposed to remember that I have a family back in the middle east, who is as anxious about our future. The again "excellent " advice is that focus on living here with the in-laws, don't make emotional decisions like visiting your family back home often! What surprises me is the fact that not one of the "qualified" advisors have, by the Grace of Allah, gone through what I'm going through, all the advising faculty(the aunties and uncles) have their family intact( may it always be like that for them).  

I really feel great after writing this (upon the advise of my excellent sister). I suppose I'll take it a day at a time, handling the kids and my own self along with the trials and tribulations of a new life, in a new country, with new people . We three will be a team!  

Thanks for taking the time to read, I really appreciate it. 

Take Care!