Utter Disappointment.

Dear All,

Thanks for reading my blogs till now. I'm not going to blog here any more in protest to google's refusal to remove the Anti-Islamic video put up on youtube, despite the White House's request. As you all must be aware, this video is a mockery of our most BELOVED PROPHET MUHAMMAD (SAWS). Astaghfirullah, how shameful! I'm highly disappointed in Google's response, I thought they knew better. As a Muslim I am quiet aware that it is the teaching of our HOLY PROPHET (SAWS) to respect others' religion. "Freedom of speech" is one thing, insulting the PROPHET (SAWS) is another. It's a crime and terrorism in the form of abuse of power. What would anyone say if their parents were insulted? Will anyone accept the "freedom of speech" factor in this context? No! There is the answer!

Hopefully I'll find a better place to blog hosted by people that don't brush off the topic, hiding behind the "freedom of speech" curtain.


Thank you all for reading

Wedding Blues..

I'm sobbing quietly......trying to hide my tears, going from room to room, trying to find a secluded place to let the river flow.....finally I find an empty room in the house where my kids or any other member of my family are not there; now I can cry in peace. I hide from them all and sob uncontrollably.....

...why am I crying? I'm unable to bear the songs that are being played out loud in the house next door. No...I don't have a phobia against music......I can't bear them because they are wedding songs. A wedding is going to take place next door, I don't know when will the  exact event happen. But it seems here, there is a tradition of playing the music on loud surround systems from days before. So since a week or two daily in the evening we can hear the songs. Yesterday, there was a " henna party".  Today the house was fitted up with decorative lights and then the precise " biddai" songs started. Biddai in English means “ the departure” which in this context  is associated with a bride’s departure to her new abode with her groom. Well, I couldn’t take it anymore, I was being brave everyday hearing the songs but today it took its toll. I was thrown back to the time when I was getting married. It all came flowing back to me and I missed him.......a looot.

I'm surprised at my own emotions being still so raw. I thought I was healing but then again its just 3 months since he passed away. I think I had closed my feelings in a mental box (which turned out fragile) and thrown it somewhere in the corner of  my mind. I had to be strong for my kids, whenever I felt a rush of emotion coming, I blocked it. People see me worrying about my kids, their health, their school, their future, I talk about everything but never of what I'm feeling about my husband, about the numbness of my heart.  I miss him. I find “ missing” him is not the right word; its not even near the feeling. I feel as if suddenly I was cut into two and the other half of my being was ripped off. The pain is inexpressible. 

The song grows louder and my pain gets greater. I can see him visiting for the first time with is family to where I lived in the GCC.  They were there as tourists as well to checkout business prospects and we were the hosts. They were not our relatives; relatives of relatives, so we were meeting for the first time. I was actually annoyed by their coming, I had to give up my room & the prospect of helping with the extra chores with Ami was totally unwelcome. I had just started my post-graduate studies & I didn’t want to get involved. “Him” I felt like strangling, because I am a shy person & his being there restricted my movement in my own house. Well, as it goes the visit turned into my getting engaged & eventually married within a year.

I'm treading on unsafe grounds,all these memories increase the yearning, but I would like to share the memory of my kid's birth.

The birth of our first little bundle of joy brought tremendous happiness to our family. Munchkin was an instant hit with both our families :D. Her dad cried with happiness! As soon as she arrived, My little girl "employed" all the adults ( her both sets of grandparents ,her parents & of course my siblings) in her service. Since I lived near my parents' house, it seemed everyone was busy with some chore of her! It felt everyone had a new toy for themselves!

A couple of years later, Allah SWT blessed us with Cocopops :D . The "employees"got further busy and every little whim of the " their little majesties"was fulfilled with top priority. It is so funny that how when your parents become grandparents, the same rules which are iron clad for the children are twisted, in fact completely broken by themselves for their grandchildren. :) 

My husband had been an only child; he had missed the joy of having a sibling. Having the kids somewhat fulfilled the void in him. Though it's painful to see that the kids won't be having their dad to see them grow up, I am glad my kids have each other. My own siblings have been giving immense support to me and my children during these tough times. I hope Munchkin and Cocopops grow up to be a great sis-and-bro team InshaALLAH. 

Thanks for reading, it is highly appreciated.

Take care ! 

Shedding some light..

I'm at a loss for words for what to write today. Having survived a spell of more than 24 hours of electricity failure, I am so dizzy - my head is spinning. That too just after two days of a 12 hour breakdown. Not that we live in a rural area, this is supposedly one of the down town areas of the city and the city itself is a business hub. But it pains me to see this is the  state of things in our beloved country; electricity is a basic necessity in this era and corruption is throwing our country backwards at a fast pace.

It has so happened that despite the so called " load- shedding" which is the norm in Pakistan, at least twice a week we find such electricity disruptions which last hours together, ironically the load shedding still pursues. I find the " shedding" part is more than the "loading". Since September is called the "Second Summer" of Pakistan, we are undergoing a heat wave and the kids are a sight to be seen. Though I've brought them up to be mostly adaptable to situations but this is something I can't even help feeling myself. Though it is a fact that summer temperatures are higher in the Middle East, air conditioners are a norm from car to offices to schools to shops & malls to homes, you name it. So though living in an Asian country, we are as unused to heat as any westerner. 

Here in pak ,we've put up an a/c but it serves only the purpose of a decoration item since the voltage is so low, and complains fall on deaf ears. The electricity failures also cause the UPS's to fail, due to their being not able to charge. A UPS is an alternate which is used during load shedding so that at least the fan is working; its full form is "Uninterrupted power supply" and here.. it is "interrupted" all the time.

Back to the kiddos' reactions, my daughter( blogname: Munchkin) is the one who suppresses her feelings while my son ( blogname : Cocopops: ) is more vocal. While answering a homework question with his Laala (my sister has arrived to keep us company for some time, while we are adjusting to our new lives), he was to tell five things he had done in his holidays. Since it was the weekend when the breakdown happened, Cocopops thought the qs. was about the weekend holidays. Well, the answer about the 5 activities: 

"1. I waited for the electricity to be restored..

2. I inquired about the electricity.

3. I cried for the electricity.

4. I prayed for the electricity.

5. I kept on crying for the electricity "! 

Then, after the laughing subsided, he was made to understand that the question was about the summer vacations' activities, again he went "During the summers I was is a UAE which a country which always has light...... =) " We had to coax him out of that " electric mode" and get a suitable answer :) . 

Getting the electricity back was bliss...... Munchkin had, after all, thought may be it will never come back again......the sound of the fan rotating was music to her ears! 

To get the kids' mind off this ordeal (they were much shaken ) and of course heat, Laala devised a trivia game of countries, questions like which is the biggest country, which is the smallest .....etc.......with Laala asking and adding to their knowledge, Cocopops  innocently asks " Laala what is Pakistan the biggest in?" . While Laala thinks, he answers himself saying excitedly, " I know, I know.....the unhappiest!" 

It was humurous and sad at the same time, how the situation here is projecting itself to be the image of Pakistan for the little ones. It breaks my heart to see the feelings in their eyes. I can vividly remember the picture, when we as kids used to visit with our parents every summer. How excited we used to be, excited to visit our cousins and pre-planning what we'll all do, when we arrive here. It was never a high-profile lifestyle here, comparing to from where we came but the environment was much better and safer than it is now. It's getting hopeless day- by- day. 

The ordeal also teaches a lesson of thankfulness. I really thank ALLAH SWT for letting me be brought up in a safe and sound place where I enjoyed the luxuries of life growing up. I pray to ALLAH SWT for the same for my kids and every kid living here. None of them should go through this. The things that are considered basic necessities in the countries like where I have lived, are a luxury here. Living here has made me realize about the things that we take for granted, never once thinking of the deprived, who yearn for even a drop of water. 

Let's all thank THE ALMIGHTY  for the blessings HE has benevolently bestowed upon us and pray for the deprived, May ALLAH make their life easier and bless them with happiness .

Thanks a lot for reading..........Hope you are blessed with health & happiness always.