Wedding Blues..

I'm sobbing quietly......trying to hide my tears, going from room to room, trying to find a secluded place to let the river flow.....finally I find an empty room in the house where my kids or any other member of my family are not there; now I can cry in peace. I hide from them all and sob uncontrollably.....

...why am I crying? I'm unable to bear the songs that are being played out loud in the house next door. No...I don't have a phobia against music......I can't bear them because they are wedding songs. A wedding is going to take place next door, I don't know when will the  exact event happen. But it seems here, there is a tradition of playing the music on loud surround systems from days before. So since a week or two daily in the evening we can hear the songs. Yesterday, there was a " henna party".  Today the house was fitted up with decorative lights and then the precise " biddai" songs started. Biddai in English means “ the departure” which in this context  is associated with a bride’s departure to her new abode with her groom. Well, I couldn’t take it anymore, I was being brave everyday hearing the songs but today it took its toll. I was thrown back to the time when I was getting married. It all came flowing back to me and I missed him.......a looot.

I'm surprised at my own emotions being still so raw. I thought I was healing but then again its just 3 months since he passed away. I think I had closed my feelings in a mental box (which turned out fragile) and thrown it somewhere in the corner of  my mind. I had to be strong for my kids, whenever I felt a rush of emotion coming, I blocked it. People see me worrying about my kids, their health, their school, their future, I talk about everything but never of what I'm feeling about my husband, about the numbness of my heart.  I miss him. I find “ missing” him is not the right word; its not even near the feeling. I feel as if suddenly I was cut into two and the other half of my being was ripped off. The pain is inexpressible. 

The song grows louder and my pain gets greater. I can see him visiting for the first time with is family to where I lived in the GCC.  They were there as tourists as well to checkout business prospects and we were the hosts. They were not our relatives; relatives of relatives, so we were meeting for the first time. I was actually annoyed by their coming, I had to give up my room & the prospect of helping with the extra chores with Ami was totally unwelcome. I had just started my post-graduate studies & I didn’t want to get involved. “Him” I felt like strangling, because I am a shy person & his being there restricted my movement in my own house. Well, as it goes the visit turned into my getting engaged & eventually married within a year.

I'm treading on unsafe grounds,all these memories increase the yearning, but I would like to share the memory of my kid's birth.

The birth of our first little bundle of joy brought tremendous happiness to our family. Munchkin was an instant hit with both our families :D. Her dad cried with happiness! As soon as she arrived, My little girl "employed" all the adults ( her both sets of grandparents ,her parents & of course my siblings) in her service. Since I lived near my parents' house, it seemed everyone was busy with some chore of her! It felt everyone had a new toy for themselves!

A couple of years later, Allah SWT blessed us with Cocopops :D . The "employees"got further busy and every little whim of the " their little majesties"was fulfilled with top priority. It is so funny that how when your parents become grandparents, the same rules which are iron clad for the children are twisted, in fact completely broken by themselves for their grandchildren. :) 

My husband had been an only child; he had missed the joy of having a sibling. Having the kids somewhat fulfilled the void in him. Though it's painful to see that the kids won't be having their dad to see them grow up, I am glad my kids have each other. My own siblings have been giving immense support to me and my children during these tough times. I hope Munchkin and Cocopops grow up to be a great sis-and-bro team InshaALLAH. 

Thanks for reading, it is highly appreciated.

Take care !